Monthly Archives: December 2013

Body Image

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I am at this weird place right now where I am not sure whether I care if I get fat or not – and I’m already fat. Anyways I am sure if I was a female I would probably care more than I do, or maybe if I was actively searching out a mate I would care more. Do men become more like females when they are searching for a mate? Or are they more like females when they are actively being inactive in a search for any sort of companionship, like me. That is an interesting question, but one for another time. What I want to talk about here is my body image and what that really says about me.

I have a realistic body image, I know I am over weight, but I also know I don’t look horrible. I know that I am losing my hair, but I also know that me with no hair won’t look horrible. I know I am of average height, but  I also know that me standing next to a date that is taller than me won’t look horrible. I understand that almost under all circumstances I would look basically fine, and I know what areas I could improve to make me look better to a potential significant other. So as I said I have gotten to this weird place where I am not sure whether or not I care if I get fat(ter) anymore. I could work out and get into shape, I’ve proven in the past that I can commit to such as thing, and I know that not only would I feel physically but also emotionally, but I don’t know if the effort is even worth achieving that.

Clearly in this I won’t find any answers to this question, and CLEARLY this won’t even be that well written, but I still think the question is interesting, the question of WHY i feel such apathy towards my weight the passed year? Do I feel this apathy because I chose to not try and seek out a significant other? Or is it more or less that I’m almost 30 and physical fitness tends to become less of a priority as people age. If I had a psychiatrist I’d probably ask her/him this question and try and discover where this apathy stems from but for now I will just have to leave myself with the questions and hope that somewhere in the future something comes to me and unlocks the reasoning to this. Though one reason why I don’t want to get fat is I can’t afford more clothes, and one reason why I want to get back into shape is cause I can then fit back into all my old clothes and quadruple my wardrobe. Maybe I am thinking more like a female then?

Dystopian Volleyball

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111_Volleyball

 

I dream a lot of dystopian times, and yes you can read into that what you will. Last nights dream started out simple enough with people playing volleyball, and my team and I were decent enough to make it to our leagues championship game. But before we could play the game our compound got attacked and my team and I were forced to fight for our lives. There was of course a warlord commanding his troops to hunt us down, and we were utilizing guerrilla war tactics (and of course our volleyball skills) to defeat these invaders that wanted to force us to play volleyball for them.

The stakes were high and we battled hard, but slowly one by one my team started to fall. There was even a heart wrenching scene where someone sacrificed themselves for me and I was forced to leave them behind or let their sacrifice be for nothing. Eventually I made it to the “boss battle” and was forced into a game of “VOLLEYBALL TO THE DEATH” with the war lord. Sadly this is where I get foggy on what exactly happened. I know in real life I was drooling like a crazy person all over my pillow, which is what I think started waking me up. The coldness against my cheek of the fan blowing on my drool cooling it down and making it uncomfortable for my face to be firmly planted in it anymore. The one downside for having a fan in my room I guess.

The thing about these dreams is I rarely win the day when it isn’t a lucid dream (which this wasn’t). I was aware that this was a dream while dreaming, but still not in control of the dream no matter how much I tried. If I was in control do you think I would have let my friend sacrifice herself (yes a girl, my love interest was the one that sacrificed herself for me) for me? But again you can easily read into the fact that I rarely win the day, just like my penchant for dreaming of dystopian times as something to do with my outlook on life. My outlook deep down isn’t a good one and I don’t like to think of the fact that I am a pessimist, but maybe I am deep down. It appears that for the most part I am a positive guy, but a lot of signs point to maybe I am not exactly that honest. 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zmfd9etbXGE

Mandate: A Simple Project

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So I am going to start a simple project to write something every single day. I may write more than one thing a day, but I have to at least write a post every day. I don’t have to finish it, I don’t have to make it look pretty, I don’t have to add pictures or graphs, I just have to write. So over the next few weeks we will see if this actually catches on. Could be short stories, dream journal entries, experiences from my life or just rants about whatever is bothering me that day (and trust me, many things really fucking bother me despite trying to be calm about most things). So here we go with a mandate to myself — WRITE!!!